The Convergence of The Secret Worlds

Dhaka Diaries /August /2022

The world is currently undergoing a very difficult phase. The pandemic depression is still not gone, and mankind is at the gate of yet another major crisis.  The War in Ukraine, China Taiwan crisis, shattering economies in more than a dozen countries and a global recession staring at us. These unwanted situations severely impact our lives in various ways. The impact may range from losing life, losing business, to disrupting “You” as a person. With suffering life, suffers relationship!

With this context, I want to extend our physical existence to another world we all have been living alone since the time we have been conscious. The virtual world of “my body and soul”.  This is a unique and extremely private secret world that you interact with every passing single moment of your life. Unlike the physical world made up of people, countries and continents, this virtual world is made up of you with your family, friends, colleagues and only all those that matter to you. We want to create this world and live in it with the best of things we have and the best of things we want to. In this secret world, you communicate on anything – your family, work, health, relationships, things you are fascinated about and things you are missing. You also reflect on your happiness and regrets.  Unfortunately, the virtual world also has many things that ideally should not be there.  We want to stay away from some of them, but still, it bothers us.

Unlike the physical world, your secret world is the world of truth and honesty.  You are the anchor in this world. You are not a hypocrite in that world. You perfectly evaluate what is right and what is wrong, you know the decision you should take and the ones you should not. You are bold enough to admit what you like and what you don’t like. It can be a very happy world that you always like to be in and that’s the way it should be. But it can also be a sea of sorrow you get yourself into when things don’t go your way.

This brings me to the soul of this article – “Convergence of the physical and secret world”. Let’s ask ourselves a simple question – Who is the person with whom we have the most wonderful of relationships? It can be anybody, spouse, parents, family, friends, or colleagues. What is the level of similarity between the physical and virtual world when you think about this person? Do you see a very high degree of overlap between your two worlds? There is no gap between the internal thoughts, secret feelings and the external projection or face you put up, in a way a unique identity for both worlds. Are you at ease with how you live, feel, and take decisions in both worlds? Above all, is there a consistency of communication you do? Yes, communication – is the single factor impacting relations globally. On the contrary think of the persons and relationship which has not been so well. Just check what is the level of overlap between the physical world and the secret world with respect to this person. For that matter, check all your equations either with blood relations, friends, colleagues, or acquaintances and see the variance in thoughts and beliefs in the two worlds. Was there a possibility of the relationship to be better if there was better transparency and overlap between the two worlds?

Let’s hear two stories. Harry and Sajal, a couple married for 10 years. They seem to have disagreements on everything. The sources of conflicts can be anything from food habits to household chores, to demonstration of affection, to financial decisions, friendships to social activities outside relationships. Is this a bad relationship? Another story of Ram and Sita married for ages and it seemed to everyone around, that there actually was never a conflict between them. Both the partners always seemed to agree on everything every time. Is this the strongest relationship? Does not having conflict signifies the strongest of bonds? It can also be interpreted that in story one, both the partners were more transparent about their secret world. Over a period of continuous conflict, they might reach a place of much better understanding and coherence. They start to live only in one world and there is no secret world. While maybe in second story the subjects never revealed their secret world and there is no overlap. They have only learned the art of managing each other.

Conflicts are an inevitable part of our relationship. Are conflicts not good to have? There is enough research available to prove that conflicts are good. Conflict conversations are constructive, allowing people and partners to work through important issues in the relationship. Many a time a very detailed conversation on the source of the conflict, resulted in a more satisfying relationship after the conflict conversation was over. Why do you think this happened? Most conflicts are outcomes of things that you faced in the physical world that your secret world did not justify. We all have our choices in life, about whom we want to engage, get into a deeper level of understanding and whom we want to stay away from. That is fine, as we are not in this world to make everybody happy. But at the same time, we do have our regrets when cherished relationship spins into turmoil. Some misunderstanding, some gaps in communication, miss directed assumptions and the most crucial vice of distorted communication and life sinks into distress for no reason. Is there a possibility to avoid these unwanted situations or reduce their occurrence? Just imagine if there was a very high level of convergence between your physical and secret world with your partner, will the conflict still happen?  That is where this understanding of the physical and virtual world gets into play.  Can we put a deliberate attempt to reduce the difference between your two worlds – the physical and the secret?

How to do it:

1. First is to develop an “Honest True Gratitude”. This is the starting point to all emotional results for the almighty, family, friends, and any other relationship we can nurture under the sun.
2. Have complete coherence in TSD – Think -Say -Do! Do not rush into judgment until three is a fluidic flow of feelings in all three buckets of TSD.
3. Communicate communicate and communicate so that the secret world immerses in the physical world. This is the No 1 determining factor of success for any relationship
4. Open your secret world to your partner – because that is the actual “You”. You are “Your” best version in the secret world, and letting the other person know about it will only present your better version to him or her.
5. Know your blind spots and have the courage to share about them, it might help create better intimacy. The blind spot is not necessarily a fault or weakness, but just a strong and deeply held belief.
6. Fight better -disagreements are healthy. If you fight fairly and constructively, that is more important.

Let’s open our secret worlds to people we love and care!

Happy Living

Robin